Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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