Just took my morning after pill in the library
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
40s are totally the cure
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize