Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
