Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
