guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
