If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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