I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
