There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
