Don't you send me to vm
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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