I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
