My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
