all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We need to rekindle our bromance
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
