Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
