wakey wakey hands off snakey
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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