We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
