u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize