I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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