I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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