I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
