Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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