i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
