you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
