i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
