So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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