I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
