When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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