in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
handjob tips. give me some.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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