dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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