question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The best revenge is premature balding
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
