He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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