my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
