My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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