It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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