I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
