addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
