shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
