why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
