Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I could make wine with my vomit
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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