He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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