Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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