That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
please come you make the beer taste better
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
