just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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