now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
