Umm I'm too high to move.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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