Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize