Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
