The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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