shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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