I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I touched a dick in church today
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
