Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just pee around me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
