my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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