chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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