Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
