i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sacagawea was the original milf.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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