Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
