I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
