pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
