my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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