Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
