I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
