I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
