Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
