3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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