You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Randomize